The wrinkles in my heart scream
I walked alone in the park at night
My brother by my side
Searching for a high I might regret
years ago you wouldn’t want to meet me
My face yelled red.
could of told you anything and you’d believe what I said.
would you of known I was high?
lines never got me anywhere but down
Those lines never got me anywhere but up
Up as in high, down as in life.
Because down I would go once again
Now I look old and warn
Torn from a childhood
I seem to be too nice
Sometimes I let people use me
I’m learning to catch it before it happens
I don’t get it though
It’s not fair to you.
The lying that you’d pursue
You find these humans with emotions to devour
As you climb the tower of your shadows
I’ve met multiple people like you
Running from the past but breaking the present
Anarchy in the heart
These people are breaking fucking hearts
Around these parts
It’s not considered love
It’s considered an art
Smashing the windows of the love they once shared
Manipulating the man
I’ve been used more than I can count
I preach anarchy more than I speak
Yet this just hurts me
down to the bone
Now as I roam the world with pain on my back
And fear in my eyes
I’ll keep dragging on
Because I got anarchy in my heart
Check my pockets when someone’s behind me
Paranoid mind got me questioning you now.
People assume i’m pretentious
Can’t agree with that I’m jus counterfeit
People don’t know me
When you’re behind me I have to move
If you’re behind me radars blare through the room
A overall sense of doom
There’s someone out to get me, it’s so inhumane
The way it lays it’s eyes on me is always the same.
Wide open and manic, question your family.
The panic begins to set in
Question your friends
This may be the end
What did you say again? You hate me?
You lost something, check your pockets
Where are we going?
Scared to go to a party
I hardly know anyone
Who’s to say because i’m hearty
That i’m not watching every move in this room.
People assume i’m paranoid.
They aren’t wrong.
I cried for the first time about death today
I’ve experienced it more than I want
It runs deep, screaming in my front yard.
I’ve got a scar, and I realized it’s there
I’ve been suppressing my emotions for so long
I feel utterly withdrawn
As I make my way back to reality
I’ve been confronted with the pain I’ve held back.
Death surrounds me
Death has grown up with me
Death will continue to crawl in my closet
watching, it’s checking its pockets
Looking for the people he dropped
Grabbing those who I care about a lot
I hear it a lot
So as I puff this marijuana
And try to find the nirvana I had as a kid
Shit, I wish it was as easy.
Was I even as happy as I believe?
Wish me luck, cause I’m going in.
Drag my body
and drain my blood
Because tonight I’m changing the world
call it quits, or call me nuts
But I’ll create till the sun comes up
I’ve been having chills
Every shiver kills
I’ve been so cold
Good things become reborn
I turned 21
and didn’t die
And if you asked me the same before 18
I’d say “Hell, I ain’t gon’ lie! I ain’t got time!”
I turned 21
when I thought at 18 I’d be gone.
Come on, ain’t nothing to dwell on.
Drag on, hold on, lead on, live on.
But don’t jump off.
My mind is confused
Grown up to believe
But now I can see
That maybe it wasn’t truly me
I’m 21 now
& things are changing
Life is moving slowly
Two days feel like a week
Try not to think too much about me
I’m more comfortable in my own bed
Maybe I should learn more about what I say
I can’t get out of my own head
Thunderstorms or Snowstorms?
Which one will transform to it’s true form?
Want to be reformed
I feel angelic
You say the word, I hear something else
I love you
Is something you can’t say
I’ve heard it too many different ways.
Overplayed these days,
Am I cynical?
Why am I so difficult.
I’ll be stuck in my ways
You should change your thoughts
Stop being so critical
You won’t listen to these words
You need to be hurt over and over
to get it.
I speak fast because I’ll forget what I say
My memory is bad
I speak fast because I’ll forget what I say
Sometimes I forget what I say.
I forgot what I ate yesterday
I write these poems to portray what I say
Because my words are mixed up,
the blender stirring
walk away as it runs
give me a reason to remember the day
It will all go away
I sometimes dream of leaving the state
Imagine resetting the life you play
Call it quits, give yourself a new name
that’s be the dream….
I create art that relates to me
I’ve learned to not let what others think
Portray my ways
I have a constant feeling of needing to create
I have a constant feeling of not being enough
Because I missed so much growing up
My grandma was an art teacher
She taught me a lot
I wish I listened on the spot
My confidence got in the way,
My childhood stirred the pot
Depression likes to creep up on me.
My confidence stinks. It likes to spit on me
Call me names
My mood switches fast, like when curvy roads in Italy
I wish I could paint Italy
I wish I could paint a smile.
I create art that makes me happy
I release my feelings when feeling unhappy.
Sometimes I feel as if I should push everyone away.
It feels as if everyone would prefer it that way.
Sometimes it feels like everyone hates me.
It feels as if someone dated me they’d hate me.
And they do, even if they don’t admit it.
Sometimes I think I overthink too much
It feels as if I should grab a drink sometimes.
Sometimes I can’t breathe from being so worried about what I did.
It feels as if everything that leaves my mouth is hurried and broken.
Please don’t mistake my words for dumb
I wish I could portray myself more but sadly i’m numb.
I’ve been told I don’t portray enough emotions.
I wish I knew how to share more.
I’ve been told I act like I don’t care.
That’s fair.. I don’t blame them.
It’s not true though.
I care more everyday
I love more everyday
Feel like a fantasy
Confusion combined with anxiety.
What does that mean?
Did I do something stupid?
Why am I so worried about my image.
I mean no damage.
I wish I could share how I feel.
I can understand how others feel.
Why can’t I understand situations when it comes to me.
Surrounded by screens, loud music.
Did I take the situation wrong?
I used to use at fifteen.
I’m no longer fifteen.
My brains weakened and my hearts on its last straw.
I feel a sense of wanting to be evil
I get memories of when of psychosis.
I told myself life is amazing.
I told myself I could be amazing.
I was on my way home to do more drugs when I felt as if things were working.
I told myself everything will work.
I told myself I’ll get off the drugs.
Maybe if we check the carpet,
I told myself I’ll get off it.
BEGGING FOR DEATH
I told myself I hate myself.
WANTING ONE HIT.
I told myself I can’t stop.
STEALING FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
I told myself I’m addicted.
REBOOT ON SAFEMODE
ATTEMPTING TO REPAIR HARDRIVE
Burning my brain,
Smoking my shame
One time the front of my house burnt down,
It scared me to the bone
I wish I could call some place my home.
I labeled these places as houses
I feel like I’m running with mouses
Following the rules of humans.
Forcing us into tiny corners.
Or is it me that forces myself?
Do I cause this isolation?
Do I want this isolation or does depression want me?
Depicting pain through my own art
I wish I could just fall apart.
hours feel like minutes.
and minutes feel like days
and yes im stuck in such similar ways
i find myself wanting isolation
to the point of no preservation
days go by and i feel more and more broken
trying to find my meaning
my head is like an illegal dog fight
bloody and anxiety filled
i wish it would get shut down already
so they could save the dogs